DICKFOOT

What if you had dicktoes on one foot and a whole dick clubfoot on the other, and both were ejaculating all the time? Would you be sad? I would because I'd ruin all of my shoes and have to wear plastic bags instead.

Lunchtime Karaoke

I had my first real fisting

Hand was covered in grime

Stretched me til my asshole bled

Because that summer was fisting time

Me and some guys from school

Got together and we'd pound real hard

Jimmy quit, Jody got prolapsed

Didn't know not to reach that far

Oh when I look back now

That summer seemed to last forever

And if I had the choice

I'd have saved my rear end

Because now I shit through a device

Your life is a bad sitcom

Good morning, asshole! 
Weather Forecast: Cloudy and wet
Brain Forecast: Same as weather, except add intense panic, because you’re about to realize that your alarm went off an hour and a half ago but you hit snooze and went back to bed, and slept through snooze. 3…2…1…

And there it goes. Okay, rush to the shower. Good thing you washed your hair yesterday because that shit is NOT happening today. Time to get ready. Where are your pants? Try the living room. The dog is right behind you, so be sure to turn around and trip over him. Get dressed, you have to go outside and clear the debris the stupid fucking trees dropped all over the shed foundation, since it’s being delivered today. Too wet for leaf blower, so use your hands and get filthy. Now that you’re nice and muddy, bring the extension cord out because they’re gonna need that shit. Attempt to untangle it for approximately 10 minutes, then sperg the fuck out and rage quit, leaving half of it i

n a pile out in the rain. Take the dog out and wait another 10 minutes for him to choose a place to take a dump. You’re really late now! Put him back in the house and grab your shit, lets go.

You’re 5 minutes away from home, but realize now that you forgot your lunch! Do you turn back? Clock is ticking! You could say fuck it and get something at work, but lunch includes half of an avocado and taboule and you really want to eat that shit. Do a quick 180 in the rain, run back and get your lunch. You’re on your way to work! You better check your reflection in the mirror. Only half of your hair is still in the ponytail, it’s accented by a wet leaf, and you only put mascara on one eye. Oh well, you can’t win them all. Better luck tomorrow!

#coolmorning

My Cat's Stinky ButtPee

I have three cats, the eldest of which is a big orange tabby we adopted four years ago from a rescue. He's really sweet, makes some loud-ass pigeon cooing instead of normal cat purring, and is generally a really awesome pet. We have no idea how old he is since he was found as a stray, but he's probably somewhere around 10, by the vet's estimation.

So yeah, rad cat, awesome bud for years. That all changed a couple months ago.

It started with my shitty old purse. I've been meaning to throw this purse out for a while, the zipper broke and it was aggravating me, but I generally liked the bag so I refused to toss it out. Then I picked it up before work one morning and noticed a seriously funky smell. I don't really know how to describe it other than its like a mix of mildew, wet dog and RANCID ASSHOLE. I feel around in my purse and realize its all wet in there! I've smelled this smell before and I figured one of the cats did skunk-butt INTO MY FUCKING PURSE, as some sort of revenge tactic. I was annoyed, but I was going to get rid of the purse anyway, so I cleaned off my items and tossed the shitty purse out. I also blamed the act on one of the younger cats because she's a huge bitch.

I went hiking with friends and took a backpack along as a purse, and when I came home I laid it on the washer. A day later I went to put it away and I smelled RANCID ASSHOLE once again! I'm like "Okay, the little cat is REALLY pissed at me. I should probably stop holding her over my head in a superman position." I do this a lot, because its fun for me. It is not fun for her, she gets mad and growls a lot, which is also fun for me and not her.

The spraying continued, and began to get worse. If I left an article of clothing on the floor: PISSED ON. It would only take 10 minutes for the cat to stick his or her ass over my coat or whatever else I dropped on the floor and stink it the fuck up, and by the time I realized it was there, it was too late. I was getting seriously furious at this, but I never saw the animal doing it, so the only thing I could do was try and keep all clothing off of the floor. 

Then Beard noticed there was a wet splatter by the back door. It almost looked like someone was preparing chicken and the clear-pink chicken juice had been spilled. We couldn't figure out what it was or how it got there (it no longer smelled) so we cleaned it up and forgot about it. 

Several days later, we finally caught the culprit. It wasn't fuzzy bitchcat at all! It was our BIG ORANGE ANGEL, the sweet tomcat we've had the longest, who never does anything shitty except for waking us up at 3am with his bird calls (which admittedly, is pretty shitty). Beard caught him backin dat ass up right to the back door and letting loose of the buttpee right on the back door. I'm calling it buttpee because it looked like it came from his asshole, but its not. It also doesn't smell like regular cat pee, as I've said, it smells like moldy shit and rancid asshole. 

We ordered some pheromone diffuser thats supposed to make the house smell like cat boners and joy or some shit, so it calms them down. That seemed to solve the problem, and we also took the cat to the vet to make sure he was okay. When he got a thermometer shoved up his asshole to take his temperature, I felt vindicated. YEAH THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR BUTTSPRAYING ALL MY SHIT, YOU LITTLE DICKHEAD. 

lol the cat is bigger than the vet

Our peace and happiness only lasted two weeks, and then the cat begin buttspraying everything with a renewed fury. He sprayed our clothes, stacks of papers, the tv stand. NOTHING WAS SAFE FROM THE FURY OF HIS ASSHOLE. Except, it wasn't his asshole, and I realized that when I watched him go on a pee-spree the one morning. It was definitely coming from his dick, and he seemed to be in great discomfort, so I felt really bad for him and full of rage all at once. At one point I was literally sitting at the dining room table checking out sale prices in a circular and the cat jumps up, positions himself over the magazine in my hand, and his little cat boner emerges from its furry casing and begins to drip that pink, smelly liquid ALL OVER MY MAGAZINE. I don't think I can even accurately describe the horror and disgust I felt watching my little man point his minuscule red rocket in my direction and drip piss on something I was reading. It didn't stop there, either, he went on a TOUR DE PEE PEE and picked about 8 spots in the house he would visit every 2-5 minutes, dribbling a little weiner juice in each spot. I started considering putting him outside and hoping he ran away. 

So, back to the vet he went. As much as I hated him during those few days where he was peeing on my whole life, I was also seriously worried he was really sick and would end up needing major care or worse, that he would die or need to be put down. 

The vet gave him a shot, tested his peepee for infections (all clear) and recommended we start watering down his food and give him glucosamine, which can strengthen bladder function. He wasn't drinking enough and his urine was very concentrated, and he also most likely had FLUTD (Feline lower urinary tract disease) and that episodes like these can be brought on by a number of issues, one being stress. I don't know what the fuck could be stressing him out because all he does is sleep, eat and take massive shits, but whatever. We did get a dog about 6 months ago, but he likes the dog and even sleeps next to him on the couch. 

So all that shit seemed to fix the problem and my house is now cattjuice free, aside from the litterbox. He's been uber friendly too, don't know if he's responding to the TLC or he's just happy that his dick works right again. My cat will be taking vitamins twice a day probably for the rest of his life, and we're going to keep buying the cat boner pheromone diffusers, and hopefully we'll live happily ever after in a no-spray zone. 

The end.

And you thought waxing was the only option

I've decided to grow out my pubic fro and donate it to Merkins of Love.

I dream of dicks

So last night I have a dream that I'm shopping in the mall with some broad. We're walking along when suddenly she pulls a dick out of her purse and begins blowing it. I'm staring at her as she's going to town on this cock, and she's all like "Sometimes I just really need to suck a dick, ya know?" She fumbles around in her purse and pulls out a second dick and hands it to me. "Here, have some." I look at the dick in my hand. Its not severed, its flat at the base like a dildo would be but its super realistic and feels like an actual penis. I shrug and pop it in my mouth like a lollipop and we continue walking around the mall, both of us sucking on a dick, getting weird looks from other shoppers. I'm thinking "Man this is weird, even for me." I turn to her and say "So what's the deal with these cocks? Where did you get them?" "Duh, they're MAGIC dicks. They're set free by their masters and will return to them when we've finished with them," she replied. I say "What, like they reattach themselves?" She nods. I yell "THEN WHOSE FUCKING DICK HAVE I BEEN SUCKING ON?!!!"

Then I woke up.

Trees are assholes.

I used to love trees before I lived in the woods. Now I've got assloads of trees and they're all dickheads. All they do is drop shit on my house, my head, and my yard. A tree is like "LOL HAVE SOME ACORNS. HAVE 50 THOUSAND ACORNS. YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT DONT YOU BITCH? THAT'S MY TREE SEMEN ALL OVER YOUR YARD. OH HEY ITS ALMOST WINTER NOW, THINK ILL DROP 40 TONS OF LEAVES TOO. WHAT'S THAT, YOU JUST CLEANED THE LAWN? WELL I DON'T NEED THESE SPARE BRANCHES, GONNA SHED THEM TOO. OH I GUESS ILL JUST DIE NOW AND FALL OVER AND BLOCK YOUR CAR IN BECAUSE I'M A STUPID TREE."