And you thought waxing was the only option

I've decided to grow out my pubic fro and donate it to Merkins of Love.

I dream of dicks

So last night I have a dream that I'm shopping in the mall with some broad. We're walking along when suddenly she pulls a dick out of her purse and begins blowing it. I'm staring at her as she's going to town on this cock, and she's all like "Sometimes I just really need to suck a dick, ya know?" She fumbles around in her purse and pulls out a second dick and hands it to me. "Here, have some." I look at the dick in my hand. Its not severed, its flat at the base like a dildo would be but its super realistic and feels like an actual penis. I shrug and pop it in my mouth like a lollipop and we continue walking around the mall, both of us sucking on a dick, getting weird looks from other shoppers. I'm thinking "Man this is weird, even for me." I turn to her and say "So what's the deal with these cocks? Where did you get them?" "Duh, they're MAGIC dicks. They're set free by their masters and will return to them when we've finished with them," she replied. I say "What, like they reattach themselves?" She nods. I yell "THEN WHOSE FUCKING DICK HAVE I BEEN SUCKING ON?!!!"

Then I woke up.

Trees are assholes.

I used to love trees before I lived in the woods. Now I've got assloads of trees and they're all dickheads. All they do is drop shit on my house, my head, and my yard. A tree is like "LOL HAVE SOME ACORNS. HAVE 50 THOUSAND ACORNS. YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT DONT YOU BITCH? THAT'S MY TREE SEMEN ALL OVER YOUR YARD. OH HEY ITS ALMOST WINTER NOW, THINK ILL DROP 40 TONS OF LEAVES TOO. WHAT'S THAT, YOU JUST CLEANED THE LAWN? WELL I DON'T NEED THESE SPARE BRANCHES, GONNA SHED THEM TOO. OH I GUESS ILL JUST DIE NOW AND FALL OVER AND BLOCK YOUR CAR IN BECAUSE I'M A STUPID TREE."

Every fucking time

"CODE ORANGE. I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CODE ORANGE. WE DETECTED THE PRESENCE OF BUFFALO CHICKEN IN THE DIGESTIVE TRACK. EVERYONE MUST EVACUATE NOW."

-all the turds in my butt

COME ON IRENE

SHIT

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Remembering the Chastity Club

I went to Catholic school for grades K-12. My freshman year in high school, our religion teacher told us we would be getting a special treat. A visit from the Chastity club! Oh boy! Thrills and chills! So the day came and our class headed to the little chapel upstairs to meet with the Chastity club. We all figured it was going to be pretty ridiculous, but nothing could have prepared us for what was in store.

The Chastity club started off the event by doing INTERPRETIVE DANCE. TO TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART BY BONNIE TYLER. I am not kidding. They showed us through dance, a story of a woman who was being led astray by the devil (A chunky dude with huge eyebrows) and pulled towards all of these other men, telling her to sin. The devil kept pulling her towards them, and she would resist and try and turn away, and the entire fucking time “Turn aroooound, BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart!” is playing in the background. My entire class was doing their best not to lose it, but it was unbearable. The climax of this whole spectacle came to a close when the girl THREW HERSELF on the ground really hard and screamed out “JESUS!!!!” and the guy playing Christ came to her and helped her up and led her away from Satan and his merry band of throbbing cocks, eager to penetrate her holy place.

When that was done, they all assembled on the altar and spent the next half hour telling us what whores they used to be and how they turned from a life of nonstop dickings to come to Jesus and sin no more from their dangly bits. I don’t even really remember that part of it because we were all sitting there with glassy eyes, completely stunned. Of all the shit I’ve seen in my life, I really think that ranks among the top funniest things, if not THE funniest thing, I have ever witnessed.

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A tale nausea, flatulence, and regret.

In an attempt to battle my current physical status of grandiose fatassery, I finally made my way back to the gym tonight after a long hiatus. I've been meaning to go for weeks, but I keep making excuses because there really is a lot of other shit I need to be doing (like cleaning out my apartment). A friend was talking about going, encouraged me to meet her there so we could say hi to each other and then proceed to ignore each other for the duration of our workout... because thats really what happens when two people do cardio together. If you can breathe easily enough to have a full on conversation with the person next to you, you're doing something wrong.

I don't usually eat lunch, so I decided to have a very small meal when I got home from work while I waited to depart. I had a tiny scoop of leftover potato salad and a piece of cheese... because thats all that was in the fridge anyway. This was a good hour before my workout.

So I get to that warm haven of physical fitness, the scent of ambition and other people's ass sweat ripe in the air, meet my friend and proceed to work out on my old reliable, the elliptical machine. Five minutes into it, I began to work up a decent sweat... and thats when the farts began. Not my farts, mind you, but the ripe scent of someone else's anal gas.

Someone was blasting away happily during their workout without any fucking concern for others around them. Look, I know cardio knocks the farts out of you, its happened to me before. However, if I have a case of awful asswind, I avoid being around large amounts of other people that are going to have to smell the fruits of my rectum. And if you didn't know you had gas before you got to the gym, by the time you let out your second whoosh of stinky steam, you should make the decision to hightail it out of there.

After stewing in this shit for a good 20 minutes, my stomach began to churn. That small amount of potato salad and piece of cheese felt like it was expanding, multiplying into 10lbs of potato salad and a whole wheel of cheese. I was trying to put in at least 30 minutes for my first day back, but the 27 minute mark was where I finally gave up and decided I needed to get the fuck out or I was going to vomit all over the gym floor.

I'm going back tomorrow, and you can bet your ass I'm not eating a goddamn thing beforehand, just in case once more someone wants to share the inner workings of their colon with the rest of the group.