Most things were cooler when you were a kid.

Growing up is boring.

The Boner Phallacy

I feel the need to confess something to the readers I don’t actually have yet. I can’t draw a dick to save my life.

I’m laying that out on the table because you’re probably going to be seeing a lot of dick drawings here, and its important that you recognize them as actual dicks. It may seem that I have an unhealthy obsession with cock, but its not that I’m a sex-craved pervert, I just retain the humor level of an 11 year old boy. Boners are funny.

My inability to draw dicks spawns mostly from my inability to draw anything at all, but also from laziness. I draw dicks in one fell swoop of the pen -- starting from the left side of the shaft, spouting out a quick, malformed head, continuing on quickly down the other side of the shaft (in the process making the right side of the head blend with the shaft) and further down to sketch out two truly grotesque looking testicles that appear to be engorged. There is no detail, no veins or ball hair… just something that looks a lot like a drawing of a dog bone. My drawings are impulsive and lazy, just like me.

I live with Beard. Along with having the ability to grow luxurious facial hair at superhuman speeds, Beard can draw quite well, and often becomes incensed when he sees my terrible drawings of schlongs. If there’s one thing that Beard can draw beautifully, it’s a large, veiny cock.

One night we were out at a bar, and I proceeded to draw a dick on the doodle app on my cell phone. Beard couldn’t believe how fucking terrible it was. “That is ridiculous,” said Beard. “You always start with the head first, then draw the rest.” I hung my head in shame, loathing my ignorance of the precise and delicate art that goes into drawing a glorious phallus.

Beard proceeded to sketch out a dick on the only paper available, a one dollar bill. It was a true masterpiece.

I spent that boner dollar by accident in Las Vegas, and I’m still mourning the loss. I hope whoever is currently carrying that shit in their wallet appreciates the beauty of it.

While I am fairly certain that with practice I could learn to draw a better-formed cock, I have a certain fondness for my mutant genitalia. I find it lends my drawings a subtle charm when someone has to crane their neck and look at my boner sketch and say “What the hell is that? Is it supposed to be a penis?”