I have seen a lot of hilarious shit happen inside of WaWas. For those of you who live in far away lands (AKA outside of the PA, NJ, DE, MD or VA) WaWa is a convenience store/mecca of all things awesome. Some of them have gas pumps (SUPER WAWAS), but all of them sell delicious food, and they have touch screen menus where you can order this delicious food without ever having to talk to one of the comatose teenagers working behind the counter.
WaWa tends to be a real happening place around noon on a weekday, as tons of people on their lunch hour pour in, picking up super rad food. The parking lot is packed, as are the narrow aisles inside (remember, this is a convenience store) and the lines at the deli and cash registers tend to be long. All of these factors combined spell out a recipe for disaster. Tensions are running high, most people are in a rush to get back to their soul-sucking jobs and scarf down a hoagie and wonder at the misery of their existence, they don't have time for you to count out $5.42 in dimes and pennies, and if you insist on doing so, they just...may...
...snap.
The incident that stands out most clearly in my mind happened a few years ago. I was working the day shift at a call center and I decided to head to WaWa to pick up some lunch. As I'm standing in front of rows and rows of beverages, hating life because I work in customer service and trying to decide whether I wanted raspberry Snapple or Arizona Green Tea or should I just slit my wrists in the parking lot and forget my fucking lunch altogether, I hear a woman's voice carrying over the rows of combos and potato chips and stacks of toilet paper.
"I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT for THIS."
My brain soaks up the odd statement briefly, but it quickly drains out of both ears and is discarded. I continue staring numbly at the rows of plastic bottles stretched out before me.
"I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT. To be KILLED. In the PARKING LOT. By a DERELICT."
It's hard to accurately describe the strange, singsong way this woman spoke in text format, but I capitalized those words because thats exactly how she said it, with loud emphasis on those words in CAPS. She had my attention now, as well as the attention of the whole fucking store. I peeked around the aisle and looked at this diminutive woman standing in front of the ATM machines. She was about 5 foot nothing, middle aged, mousy brown hair, enormous coke bottle glasses, dressed like an unsexy librarian... and yelling about how pretty and important she was. I blinked, confused, and then a gruff looking guy in paint splattered clothing retorted something back at her that I can't quite recall, but it became clear that this man may have come close to either hitting the woman with his truck or getting in a fender-bender with her, and he had already apologized, but that wasn't enough for her.
"I was ALMOST KILLED. IN THE PARKING LOT, by a DERELICT. And I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT to be KILLED be a DERELICT."
I was frozen in awe. The man had gone up to the cash register to pay for his stuff, and he turned back to the woman and replied "Lady, you're crazy. I think you need to spend some time in church."
This really pissed her off, because she got louder now.
"I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE IN CHURCH. AND I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE APPLYING MYSELF. THAT IS WHY I AM NOT A DERELICT."
She said the word "derelict" with such venom, I was surprised she didn't start frothing at the mouth. It began to sink in that this crazy bitch thought the guy was a "derelict" because he was clearly a blue-collar worker. He was in work boots, paint-splattered navy blue Dickies and a navy blue t-shirt, also covered in flecks of paint, and was driving a truck. She obviously had some kind of (TOO IMPORTANT) office job, judging from her business casual granny wear.
I imagine this woman must think we still live in some kind of caste system, where construction workers, electricians and painters are nothing more than mere peasants and administrative assistants are considered royalty.
These derelicts can fix your toilet, but they don't know Microsoft Excel. Worthless!
She probably really thinks that people who don't wear pantyhose with their nun shoes and can't type at an average speed of 45 wpm, yet still work hard and provide for their families, are not worth as much as she is.
Dost thou mean to tell me thou hast not ever
created a PowerPoint presentation? How dare you even
look upon my countenance, wretched creature!
I wish I could tell you this story ended in some kind of out-and-out brawl between peasant and noblewoman, with the stupid bitch getting tossed out of WaWa on her ass, but thats not the case. She just continued to rant and rave the entire time she was in there and eventually stormed out, leaving a lot of snickering customers behind her.
I laughed for days about what a piece of shit that broad was.
