Remembering the Chastity Club

I went to Catholic school for grades K-12. My freshman year in high school, our religion teacher told us we would be getting a special treat. A visit from the Chastity club! Oh boy! Thrills and chills! So the day came and our class headed to the little chapel upstairs to meet with the Chastity club. We all figured it was going to be pretty ridiculous, but nothing could have prepared us for what was in store.

The Chastity club started off the event by doing INTERPRETIVE DANCE. TO TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART BY BONNIE TYLER. I am not kidding. They showed us through dance, a story of a woman who was being led astray by the devil (A chunky dude with huge eyebrows) and pulled towards all of these other men, telling her to sin. The devil kept pulling her towards them, and she would resist and try and turn away, and the entire fucking time “Turn aroooound, BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart!” is playing in the background. My entire class was doing their best not to lose it, but it was unbearable. The climax of this whole spectacle came to a close when the girl THREW HERSELF on the ground really hard and screamed out “JESUS!!!!” and the guy playing Christ came to her and helped her up and led her away from Satan and his merry band of throbbing cocks, eager to penetrate her holy place.

When that was done, they all assembled on the altar and spent the next half hour telling us what whores they used to be and how they turned from a life of nonstop dickings to come to Jesus and sin no more from their dangly bits. I don’t even really remember that part of it because we were all sitting there with glassy eyes, completely stunned. Of all the shit I’ve seen in my life, I really think that ranks among the top funniest things, if not THE funniest thing, I have ever witnessed.

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