Your life is a bad sitcom

Good morning, asshole! 
Weather Forecast: Cloudy and wet
Brain Forecast: Same as weather, except add intense panic, because you’re about to realize that your alarm went off an hour and a half ago but you hit snooze and went back to bed, and slept through snooze. 3…2…1…

And there it goes. Okay, rush to the shower. Good thing you washed your hair yesterday because that shit is NOT happening today. Time to get ready. Where are your pants? Try the living room. The dog is right behind you, so be sure to turn around and trip over him. Get dressed, you have to go outside and clear the debris the stupid fucking trees dropped all over the shed foundation, since it’s being delivered today. Too wet for leaf blower, so use your hands and get filthy. Now that you’re nice and muddy, bring the extension cord out because they’re gonna need that shit. Attempt to untangle it for approximately 10 minutes, then sperg the fuck out and rage quit, leaving half of it i

n a pile out in the rain. Take the dog out and wait another 10 minutes for him to choose a place to take a dump. You’re really late now! Put him back in the house and grab your shit, lets go.

You’re 5 minutes away from home, but realize now that you forgot your lunch! Do you turn back? Clock is ticking! You could say fuck it and get something at work, but lunch includes half of an avocado and taboule and you really want to eat that shit. Do a quick 180 in the rain, run back and get your lunch. You’re on your way to work! You better check your reflection in the mirror. Only half of your hair is still in the ponytail, it’s accented by a wet leaf, and you only put mascara on one eye. Oh well, you can’t win them all. Better luck tomorrow!

#coolmorning