I dream of dicks

So last night I have a dream that I'm shopping in the mall with some broad. We're walking along when suddenly she pulls a dick out of her purse and begins blowing it. I'm staring at her as she's going to town on this cock, and she's all like "Sometimes I just really need to suck a dick, ya know?" She fumbles around in her purse and pulls out a second dick and hands it to me. "Here, have some." I look at the dick in my hand. Its not severed, its flat at the base like a dildo would be but its super realistic and feels like an actual penis. I shrug and pop it in my mouth like a lollipop and we continue walking around the mall, both of us sucking on a dick, getting weird looks from other shoppers. I'm thinking "Man this is weird, even for me." I turn to her and say "So what's the deal with these cocks? Where did you get them?" "Duh, they're MAGIC dicks. They're set free by their masters and will return to them when we've finished with them," she replied. I say "What, like they reattach themselves?" She nods. I yell "THEN WHOSE FUCKING DICK HAVE I BEEN SUCKING ON?!!!"

Then I woke up.

Trees are assholes.

I used to love trees before I lived in the woods. Now I've got assloads of trees and they're all dickheads. All they do is drop shit on my house, my head, and my yard. A tree is like "LOL HAVE SOME ACORNS. HAVE 50 THOUSAND ACORNS. YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT DONT YOU BITCH? THAT'S MY TREE SEMEN ALL OVER YOUR YARD. OH HEY ITS ALMOST WINTER NOW, THINK ILL DROP 40 TONS OF LEAVES TOO. WHAT'S THAT, YOU JUST CLEANED THE LAWN? WELL I DON'T NEED THESE SPARE BRANCHES, GONNA SHED THEM TOO. OH I GUESS ILL JUST DIE NOW AND FALL OVER AND BLOCK YOUR CAR IN BECAUSE I'M A STUPID TREE."

Every fucking time

"CODE ORANGE. I REPEAT, WE HAVE A CODE ORANGE. WE DETECTED THE PRESENCE OF BUFFALO CHICKEN IN THE DIGESTIVE TRACK. EVERYONE MUST EVACUATE NOW."

-all the turds in my butt

COME ON IRENE

SHIT

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Remembering the Chastity Club

I went to Catholic school for grades K-12. My freshman year in high school, our religion teacher told us we would be getting a special treat. A visit from the Chastity club! Oh boy! Thrills and chills! So the day came and our class headed to the little chapel upstairs to meet with the Chastity club. We all figured it was going to be pretty ridiculous, but nothing could have prepared us for what was in store.

The Chastity club started off the event by doing INTERPRETIVE DANCE. TO TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART BY BONNIE TYLER. I am not kidding. They showed us through dance, a story of a woman who was being led astray by the devil (A chunky dude with huge eyebrows) and pulled towards all of these other men, telling her to sin. The devil kept pulling her towards them, and she would resist and try and turn away, and the entire fucking time “Turn aroooound, BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart!” is playing in the background. My entire class was doing their best not to lose it, but it was unbearable. The climax of this whole spectacle came to a close when the girl THREW HERSELF on the ground really hard and screamed out “JESUS!!!!” and the guy playing Christ came to her and helped her up and led her away from Satan and his merry band of throbbing cocks, eager to penetrate her holy place.

When that was done, they all assembled on the altar and spent the next half hour telling us what whores they used to be and how they turned from a life of nonstop dickings to come to Jesus and sin no more from their dangly bits. I don’t even really remember that part of it because we were all sitting there with glassy eyes, completely stunned. Of all the shit I’ve seen in my life, I really think that ranks among the top funniest things, if not THE funniest thing, I have ever witnessed.

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A tale nausea, flatulence, and regret.

In an attempt to battle my current physical status of grandiose fatassery, I finally made my way back to the gym tonight after a long hiatus. I've been meaning to go for weeks, but I keep making excuses because there really is a lot of other shit I need to be doing (like cleaning out my apartment). A friend was talking about going, encouraged me to meet her there so we could say hi to each other and then proceed to ignore each other for the duration of our workout... because thats really what happens when two people do cardio together. If you can breathe easily enough to have a full on conversation with the person next to you, you're doing something wrong.

I don't usually eat lunch, so I decided to have a very small meal when I got home from work while I waited to depart. I had a tiny scoop of leftover potato salad and a piece of cheese... because thats all that was in the fridge anyway. This was a good hour before my workout.

So I get to that warm haven of physical fitness, the scent of ambition and other people's ass sweat ripe in the air, meet my friend and proceed to work out on my old reliable, the elliptical machine. Five minutes into it, I began to work up a decent sweat... and thats when the farts began. Not my farts, mind you, but the ripe scent of someone else's anal gas.

Someone was blasting away happily during their workout without any fucking concern for others around them. Look, I know cardio knocks the farts out of you, its happened to me before. However, if I have a case of awful asswind, I avoid being around large amounts of other people that are going to have to smell the fruits of my rectum. And if you didn't know you had gas before you got to the gym, by the time you let out your second whoosh of stinky steam, you should make the decision to hightail it out of there.

After stewing in this shit for a good 20 minutes, my stomach began to churn. That small amount of potato salad and piece of cheese felt like it was expanding, multiplying into 10lbs of potato salad and a whole wheel of cheese. I was trying to put in at least 30 minutes for my first day back, but the 27 minute mark was where I finally gave up and decided I needed to get the fuck out or I was going to vomit all over the gym floor.

I'm going back tomorrow, and you can bet your ass I'm not eating a goddamn thing beforehand, just in case once more someone wants to share the inner workings of their colon with the rest of the group.

WaWa RAGE!

I have seen a lot of hilarious shit happen inside of WaWas. For those of you who live in far away lands (AKA outside of the PA, NJ, DE, MD or VA) WaWa is a convenience store/mecca of all things awesome. Some of them have gas pumps (SUPER WAWAS), but all of them sell delicious food, and they have touch screen menus where you can order this delicious food without ever having to talk to one of the comatose teenagers working behind the counter.

WaWa tends to be a real happening place around noon on a weekday, as tons of people on their lunch hour pour in, picking up super rad food. The parking lot is packed, as are the narrow aisles inside (remember, this is a convenience store) and the lines at the deli and cash registers tend to be long. All of these factors combined spell out a recipe for disaster. Tensions are running high, most people are in a rush to get back to their soul-sucking jobs and scarf down a hoagie and wonder at the misery of their existence, they don't have time for you to count out $5.42 in dimes and pennies, and if you insist on doing so, they just...may...

...snap.

The incident that stands out most clearly in my mind happened a few years ago. I was working the day shift at a call center and I decided to head to WaWa to pick up some lunch. As I'm standing in front of rows and rows of beverages, hating life because I work in customer service and trying to decide whether I wanted raspberry Snapple or Arizona Green Tea or should I just slit my wrists in the parking lot and forget my fucking lunch altogether, I hear a woman's voice carrying over the rows of combos and potato chips and stacks of toilet paper. 

"I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT for THIS."

My brain soaks up the odd statement briefly, but it quickly drains out of both ears and is discarded. I continue staring numbly at the rows of plastic bottles stretched out before me.

"I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT. To be KILLED. In the PARKING LOT. By a DERELICT."

It's hard to accurately describe the strange, singsong way this woman spoke in text format, but I capitalized those words because thats exactly how she said it, with loud emphasis on those words in CAPS. She had my attention now, as well as the attention of the whole fucking store. I peeked around the aisle and looked at this diminutive woman standing in front of the ATM machines. She was about 5 foot nothing, middle aged, mousy brown hair, enormous coke bottle glasses, dressed like an unsexy librarian... and yelling about how pretty and important she was. I blinked, confused, and then a gruff looking guy in paint splattered clothing retorted something back at her that I can't quite recall, but it became clear that this man may have come close to either hitting the woman with his truck or getting in a fender-bender with her, and he had already apologized, but that wasn't enough for her.

"I was ALMOST KILLED. IN THE PARKING LOT, by a DERELICT. And I am TOO PRETTY and TOO IMPORTANT to be KILLED be a DERELICT."

I was frozen in awe. The man had gone up to the cash register to pay for his stuff, and he turned back to the woman and replied "Lady, you're crazy. I think you need to spend some time in church."

This really pissed her off, because she got louder now.

"I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE IN CHURCH. AND I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE APPLYING MYSELF. THAT IS WHY I AM NOT A DERELICT."

She said the word "derelict" with such venom, I was surprised she didn't start frothing at the mouth. It began to sink in that this crazy bitch thought the guy was a "derelict" because he was clearly a blue-collar worker. He was in work boots, paint-splattered navy blue Dickies and a navy blue t-shirt, also covered in flecks of paint, and was driving a truck. She obviously had some kind of (TOO IMPORTANT) office job, judging from her business casual granny wear. 

I imagine this woman must think we still live in some kind of caste system, where construction workers, electricians and painters are nothing more than mere peasants and administrative assistants are considered royalty.

These derelicts can fix your toilet, but they don't know Microsoft Excel. Worthless!

She probably really thinks that people who don't wear pantyhose with their nun shoes and can't type at an average speed of 45 wpm, yet still work hard and provide for their families, are not worth as much as she is.

Dost thou mean to tell me thou hast not ever

created a PowerPoint presentation? How dare you even

look upon my countenance, wretched creature!

I wish I could tell you this story ended in some kind of out-and-out brawl between peasant and noblewoman, with the stupid bitch getting tossed out of WaWa on her ass, but thats not the case. She just continued to rant and rave the entire time she was in there and eventually stormed out, leaving a lot of snickering customers behind her.

I laughed for days about what a piece of shit that broad was.